*NOTE: This is an attempt to keep a promise and beat two of my friends. This blog will be north of 5000 words. I have promised myself to not ramble and stay focused, making the task even harder. Here goes. (originally published on April 29th, 2011. Still unfinished)
What is it? To me, it's feeling very compassionate about someone, a feeling that they serve a purpose in your life, the you enjoy their presence, admire them, and value them. But how is that any different from a friend?
A very touchy subject. But who got anywhere without taking any risks?
There's an element of physical attraction involved in it.
But that's only part of the definition. What about love for one's family? Of course, you admire your family and enjoy their presence, but unless you're King Louis XI of France, you're not attracted to your own family members. But how is that definition any different from that of a friend? Well, it's not, because a friend fits that definition perfectly.
Does love exist? Yes, of course it does. Only when we have refined our definition of the word.
The word "love" is very loosely thrown around. There is quite a bit of confusion between love and lust. A line that many people don't see, or simply choose to ignore. Many mistake lust for love, especially teenagers, but it’s almost never the other way around. But sometimes, love can emerge from lust or infatuation. This is because love is built. Which is why love at first sight does not exist. That term, “love at first sight,” is kind of an oxymoron. To truly love someone, you need to know them very well, when you just meet a person, you don’t appreciate their behavior or their personality, because you’ve just met them. You don’t know what they act like or what their personality’s like. When someone (like Romeo) says, “Oh, how I’m in love with Juliet.” after just meeting her, that is, of course, lust. In reality, all he likes is her physical appearance. But he really doesn’t know her nearly well enough to make such a statement.
The word "love" is very loosely thrown around. There is quite a bit of confusion between love and lust. A line that many people don't see, or simply choose to ignore. Many mistake lust for love, especially teenagers, but it’s almost never the other way around. But sometimes, love can emerge from lust or infatuation. This is because love is built. Which is why love at first sight does not exist. That term, “love at first sight,” is kind of an oxymoron. To truly love someone, you need to know them very well, when you just meet a person, you don’t appreciate their behavior or their personality, because you’ve just met them. You don’t know what they act like or what their personality’s like. When someone (like Romeo) says, “Oh, how I’m in love with Juliet.” after just meeting her, that is, of course, lust. In reality, all he likes is her physical appearance. But he really doesn’t know her nearly well enough to make such a statement.
Resorting to physical appearance and calling it love seems to be due to our animalistic instinct - to reproduce. But we aren’t just any animal. We call ourselves human. We differentiate ourselves from other animals with our cognitive abilities, with our ability to foresee the consequences that our actions would have, to take into account what would occur in the future as a result of our choice, to not live strictly in the present without any idea of the past nor the future. Which is why we have taken over most of the world. Because we are intelligent, more correctly put, we have a sense of the future.
Back to the idea of loving one's own family. I feel as if there needs to be another word for such a feeling. The word "love" is very ambiguous. Do I love my parents, do I love my uncles, aunts, and cousins? Yes, of course I do. Do I feel any sort of physical attraction towards them. No, of course not. Such a thought seems ridiculous. Why is that? Because it's not the kind of love that most people connect with at first thought of the word. I love my parents because I care for them. I would give my life for any of my family members. If they were in a fire, and I knew that if I saved them, I wouldn't come back alive, I'd still save them without any hesitation. Why? Because I care for them. Why do I care for them? Because they've done so much for me. Nothing I could do could pay them back, but at least I could show them that I understand what they have done for me. At least I can make them feel appreciated. They've been there for me for every step of the way, through the good and the bad, the light and the dark. And even though they will not accompany me for the span of my lifetime, every single moment that I have spent with them, good or bad, has, is, and will always be a special one. Because they have shaped the person I am today. For that, I unconditionally love them, no matter what.
On to friends. Needless to be said, I love my friends. Some of the closer ones have heard me say that to them, in person. Now, does that mean that I've felt any feelings of physical attraction towards them? Of course not. When I say to a friend that I love them, in my eyes, I see them as a brother or a sister. In my eyes, I see them as a different family, a different sort of family. In such a case, what is the difference between friends and family? Only difference is, one isn't born into knowing one's friends. Two people meet each other at some point in time and one of them thinks to herself "Hey! This kid's alright." probably because they liked the other person's characteristics and the way that they behaved, and chose them to be her friend. If the other person feels the same way, both parties are happy and They have now become friends. In many ways, friends are the family that you choose. There is a sense of brotherhood when I say to my best friend that I love him for something he's done, or something that we've accomplished together. Yet, no sense of affection, physically. Once again, I feel as if the word "love" is not the right one to use in such context. Many factors that involve love within family members appear again for love between close friends.
It's not that the word is too strong or too weak, it's just that it has too many meanings, which is why it is rather unclear. Mix that in with the unclear state of teenagers and that's a recipe for trouble. But it's not just teenagers that suffer with this. Some adults do as well. There is no guarantee of wisdom with the end of teen-hood. Some people simply don't experience enough to understand themselves or their emotions. And some teenagers have found themselves before they have become teenagers. Again, this does not mean that one person is more intelligent than the other. There are so many factors that play a role in the outcome of such events that such an accusation would seem to be a foolish one. A person that has found themselves at a young age has had more time to think alone for himself, regarding himself, than a person who finds themselves in their twenties.
To perhaps the most interesting concept of love, to the one in which I think the word correctly applies. The concept of love between partners. To love someone, you must first like them. To like a person first, you must first like their qualities, and their actions. Which means that you know the other person rather well. To know the other person rather well means that you must have spent a lot of time with them. Aren't all of these prerequisites of befriending someone? Which is why the statement of "Love is built." seems to hold true now. When at first you meet your "soulmate" you might feel awestruck and completely taken by her beauty, feel indifferent, or attempt to befriend them for the sake of having friends. In the first scenario, adrenaline rushes through the bloodstream, the brain goes on a hormonal high, and a considerable amount of serotonine and dopamine are produced. All due to the animalistic "survival of the fittest" instinct of humans. Basically, you go gaa-gaa over an attractive and possible mate, and one thing leads to another, and before you know it, you decide that you love the other person. Is this really love, or an instinct initiated in us thousands of years ago, all so that the rate of evolution would be enhanced and quickened? To clarify, by making such a choice of loving an attractive person, the only reason in doing so is to mate with the best person possible. It is a very much biased decision, only based on looks. By viewing and analyzing those looks, one basically decides that because the person is good-looking, they also must be good-looking inside, meaning that they have a beautiful soul and a great mind. But, we know all too well that this is rarely true. Usually, a person that is good-looking knows this, possibly because as a child, they were repeatedly told his and had become spoilt as a child. Hence, they realized that they didn't have to try very hard to do anything. They have an advantage over others simply due to their genes. As they grow up, they live with this philosophy, therefore, they never really grow as a person. They don't have a good mind, and in some occasion, they simply become dark-hearted. This leads to people initially liking said person, but soon they realize that the person that they perceived in their mind is actually a completely different person. Perhaps for a person that only looks for their partner to be good looking, that's fine, but for most people, it's not just looks that matter. Such a person usually can't stay in a relationship for a long while, either because of the other person becoming sick of their selfish way of acting, or the person themselves not being able to stay committed in one single relationship.
Back to the idea of loving one's own family. I feel as if there needs to be another word for such a feeling. The word "love" is very ambiguous. Do I love my parents, do I love my uncles, aunts, and cousins? Yes, of course I do. Do I feel any sort of physical attraction towards them. No, of course not. Such a thought seems ridiculous. Why is that? Because it's not the kind of love that most people connect with at first thought of the word. I love my parents because I care for them. I would give my life for any of my family members. If they were in a fire, and I knew that if I saved them, I wouldn't come back alive, I'd still save them without any hesitation. Why? Because I care for them. Why do I care for them? Because they've done so much for me. Nothing I could do could pay them back, but at least I could show them that I understand what they have done for me. At least I can make them feel appreciated. They've been there for me for every step of the way, through the good and the bad, the light and the dark. And even though they will not accompany me for the span of my lifetime, every single moment that I have spent with them, good or bad, has, is, and will always be a special one. Because they have shaped the person I am today. For that, I unconditionally love them, no matter what.
On to friends. Needless to be said, I love my friends. Some of the closer ones have heard me say that to them, in person. Now, does that mean that I've felt any feelings of physical attraction towards them? Of course not. When I say to a friend that I love them, in my eyes, I see them as a brother or a sister. In my eyes, I see them as a different family, a different sort of family. In such a case, what is the difference between friends and family? Only difference is, one isn't born into knowing one's friends. Two people meet each other at some point in time and one of them thinks to herself "Hey! This kid's alright." probably because they liked the other person's characteristics and the way that they behaved, and chose them to be her friend. If the other person feels the same way, both parties are happy and They have now become friends. In many ways, friends are the family that you choose. There is a sense of brotherhood when I say to my best friend that I love him for something he's done, or something that we've accomplished together. Yet, no sense of affection, physically. Once again, I feel as if the word "love" is not the right one to use in such context. Many factors that involve love within family members appear again for love between close friends.
It's not that the word is too strong or too weak, it's just that it has too many meanings, which is why it is rather unclear. Mix that in with the unclear state of teenagers and that's a recipe for trouble. But it's not just teenagers that suffer with this. Some adults do as well. There is no guarantee of wisdom with the end of teen-hood. Some people simply don't experience enough to understand themselves or their emotions. And some teenagers have found themselves before they have become teenagers. Again, this does not mean that one person is more intelligent than the other. There are so many factors that play a role in the outcome of such events that such an accusation would seem to be a foolish one. A person that has found themselves at a young age has had more time to think alone for himself, regarding himself, than a person who finds themselves in their twenties.
To perhaps the most interesting concept of love, to the one in which I think the word correctly applies. The concept of love between partners. To love someone, you must first like them. To like a person first, you must first like their qualities, and their actions. Which means that you know the other person rather well. To know the other person rather well means that you must have spent a lot of time with them. Aren't all of these prerequisites of befriending someone? Which is why the statement of "Love is built." seems to hold true now. When at first you meet your "soulmate" you might feel awestruck and completely taken by her beauty, feel indifferent, or attempt to befriend them for the sake of having friends. In the first scenario, adrenaline rushes through the bloodstream, the brain goes on a hormonal high, and a considerable amount of serotonine and dopamine are produced. All due to the animalistic "survival of the fittest" instinct of humans. Basically, you go gaa-gaa over an attractive and possible mate, and one thing leads to another, and before you know it, you decide that you love the other person. Is this really love, or an instinct initiated in us thousands of years ago, all so that the rate of evolution would be enhanced and quickened? To clarify, by making such a choice of loving an attractive person, the only reason in doing so is to mate with the best person possible. It is a very much biased decision, only based on looks. By viewing and analyzing those looks, one basically decides that because the person is good-looking, they also must be good-looking inside, meaning that they have a beautiful soul and a great mind. But, we know all too well that this is rarely true. Usually, a person that is good-looking knows this, possibly because as a child, they were repeatedly told his and had become spoilt as a child. Hence, they realized that they didn't have to try very hard to do anything. They have an advantage over others simply due to their genes. As they grow up, they live with this philosophy, therefore, they never really grow as a person. They don't have a good mind, and in some occasion, they simply become dark-hearted. This leads to people initially liking said person, but soon they realize that the person that they perceived in their mind is actually a completely different person. Perhaps for a person that only looks for their partner to be good looking, that's fine, but for most people, it's not just looks that matter. Such a person usually can't stay in a relationship for a long while, either because of the other person becoming sick of their selfish way of acting, or the person themselves not being able to stay committed in one single relationship.
So, resorting to animalistic behaviors when unnecessary, and acting irrationally without thought is not humane in any way. Sure, it might make you look cool for about three days to your friends if you tell your mates that you had sex, but chances are, in a couple of years, you won't know your friends. So in the long run, nobody won. You took your chances with someone you picked up from the bar, had a few hours of fun, only hear that little voice in your mind constantly tell you that you made a mistake, reminding you for the rest of your life that you lost your virginity in a such an unromantic, hasty way. Is that what love is? Or is it lust? Perhaps the line is becoming a little more apparent now. Realistically, an ideal spouse, if there is only to be one, would be somebody that you have met before, and for some reason have gotten to liking them. That has lead to you spending quite a bit of quality time with said person, and if at the end of each day, you grow to liking the person more and more and this persists for more than a few months, chances are, by the end of the first year of knowing them, you're going to be head over heels in love with them.
So, it comes down to this: trust, empathy, loyalty, respect, care (I CANNOT stress that one enough), and physical attraction. That is the meaning of love when it comes to a partner. Take the attraction aspect out of it, and you are in the friend-zone. Add to the friend-zone a certain sense of blood relations, ties of family that you are simply born into and cannot separate yourself from, and that is the definition of love for a family member. Of course, all these types of love are very different due to the amount of time we spend with said family member/friend/partner, the quality of time, the place, the time itself... so many factors are involved. But each love is different.
Stay tuned...
So, it comes down to this: trust, empathy, loyalty, respect, care (I CANNOT stress that one enough), and physical attraction. That is the meaning of love when it comes to a partner. Take the attraction aspect out of it, and you are in the friend-zone. Add to the friend-zone a certain sense of blood relations, ties of family that you are simply born into and cannot separate yourself from, and that is the definition of love for a family member. Of course, all these types of love are very different due to the amount of time we spend with said family member/friend/partner, the quality of time, the place, the time itself... so many factors are involved. But each love is different.
Stay tuned...
you're an amazing writer.. and this is so insightful, deep, meaningful, etc.
ReplyDeletebeautiful thoughts, very deep!
ReplyDelete